the daily humorscope

Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.

Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting...

At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical.

Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)

That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.

You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day.

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.

Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.

This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head.