the daily humorscope

You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week.

You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.

Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.

Good day for a nice nap.

Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.

Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.

You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".

Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.

Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.

You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space.

You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.

You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.