Aries
(March 21 - April 19)
You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!." Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber ducky, you'll need to get that first, of course.
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 18)
Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)...
Pisces
(February 19 - March 20)
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon!