Aries
(March 21 - April 19)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy."
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about.
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalisation". Time to go on a diet!
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 21)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 18)
You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.
Pisces
(February 19 - March 20)
Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.